Lack O' Sleep

Saturday, March 29, 2008 |

So I have been away from my bloggy and my friends at a national student nursing conference at the Gaylord for the past 4 days. Basically this week, I studied my butt off, went to do my clinicals at the hospital, did my volunteer clinic hours, more hospital and then wednesday afternoon drove directly from Baylor Plano to the Gaylord where I was busy night and day until late this afternoon. Holy SMOKES!!! I am so tired. I had to take a little nap when I got home just to have the energy to do my laundry. Which of course I brought different outfits but only brought a black pair of shoes so I had to wear my black dress pants every day which I spilled food on day one AND day 2. ARG!!

So there were a ton of exhibitors and fellow students milling around and at one of the booths they were selling these memory study notebooks. They take info you need to know about body systems and certain diseases and make little drawings or mnemonics(ooooh...SAT vocab) to help you remember stuff for tests. A student from our school bought them and came to show me and I was like....AHHHH! (Disclaimer -This blog in no way is meant to mock those with a psychological disorder)

I turned to a page with a picture of a person with schizophrenia -a stick man crouched with his hands around his knees and like a few days worth of beard and crazy eyes. I was all- HAHA- I feel like that right now. My eyes are so red from sleep deprivation and I want to crawl into the fetal position.

Then I look at the dialogue puffy clouds around him. And it gets eerie.

Who am I - What am I doing here?? Check. I am confused.

Why won't you leave me alone? Everyone is out to get me. Check.

What is going on? Huh? Double Check.

I don't care. Check.

You are stressing me out! I don't want to be around people anymore! Check.

YIKES!! Lack of sleep is giving me some of the thought processes of least according to the memory book. In reality schizophrenia's way more severe than this and I have issues with the memory book, but anyways....sleep deprivation is WACK!! Hopefully I will sleep enough tonight to get myself back to my normal level of mental health by tomorrow.

It's scary to think of all of the stupid things I have done in my lifetime due to sleep deprivation induced moronic/impulsive decisions.

Most of the bad moments began with a trip to Walmart after midnight. I just shouldn't be allowed to get a cart after 12. If I would just walk in and get what I (or my friends) came for life would have many less scary memories.

Exercise your femininity...that's what every girl should know!!

Monday, March 24, 2008 |

Do you ever wonder to yourself why was I born a woman?

What magical things am I supposed to learn through all of the idiosyncracies of womanhood?

Is there some special knowledge or spiritual power, or personality trait that comes from being a girl?

How different must life experiences be if you are a man?

Some days being a woman feels less magical than others. More like a Curse...haha....I jest. But if you think about it......our minds work differently, our bodies are so different, the care and upkeep is totally different. As Sam has pointed out recently....we have a whole different perspective of dating due to our different role and we also seem to really unexplainably love shoes.

I wonder if it is just the differing hormones that make us love a really hot good quality pair of heels or boots. Maybe (as I've suspected MANY a time) men's eyes don't work so they can see what is truly beautiful in cute babies, heels, moi.

Then again if we take a leap back in history there was a time that men were the peacocks dressing up in all the heels and lace with makeup and corsets and the women were the arm candy. I don't like to dwell on that too much though. YUCK. I love historical drama but I can't stand the prissy wig wearing male of that particular period of time.

But regardless of how femme men may get in their dress throughout the ages there are certain lovely experiences that they just cannot have for themselves. As much as we may wish those experiences on them.

So my ladies......what gems do you have to share about the joys of femininity? Here are some of my hidden pleasures:

I like getting to hold babies. Women always get to steal each others' new babies to hold with that new baby smell. (for men's reference see : new car smell)

I like heels and boots and sandals with painted toesies.

I like the joy of having tanned shaven shapely legs in summer. Oh yeah.

I like having crazy makeup experiments where you make yourself over like a member of Heart or Cruella Deville or something.

I like knowing how to cook yummy things.

I like having good smelling clean hair. Men can't appreciate that unless they have had long hair. It's so nice to let your hair out of a ponytail at the end of a day and smell your yummy shampoo smell. MMmm.

I like not being a smelly boy in general.

I like being free to express my emotions to my girls. So liberating!

I like being unashamedly obsessed with cheesy british books and romantic movies!

I like that girls can love dancing without getting made fun of.

Now it's your turn mis amigas!!! Mis hermanitas!! What do you love ???

I can make you THIN!

Thursday, March 20, 2008 |

Ok for those who hate dieting- this is NOT a diet post. Not a complaining about weight post. Just go with me here. This is interesting.

Basically I watched a new TLC show with my mom on sunday night by a guy who is teaching techniques to make people lose weight. One of his main points was to eat very slowly putting down your fork or spoon and savor each little bite of food. It's all about enjoying and tasting the food and giving it your attention because so many people inhale their food. The catchphrase is "eat consciously!"

Dude- I was just spending some bonding time with the mom, but seriously - the man had a point. I was taking the truth to be wayyyy hard. The diet guru had called me to repentance. Some days I eat in front of the TV and most of the time I could not consciously tell you when I even finished eating...all I know is I probably scarfed it down. And due to nursing school....the days I have to eat on campus I INHALE my food. Most days I have breakfast at 5:30 and lunch at 3pm. Not even kidding. I be a hungry girl by then. And my doctor has told me in the past that eating slowly will help out my ulcer-ey stomach. So I decided to try to eat as slow as molasses this week like he taught on the show for my poor tummy's sake. And not watch TV while I eat so that I actually pay attention to my food and the taste.

I do have to say - I am really enjoying tasting my food again. Food is amazing. YUM! So many subtle flavors! The grilled onion and mushroom fajita I had today was tres magnifique I must say. MMmm. Slowing down the meals and tasting food is a whole new world.

And then we get to the problem. TV. I am DYING I tell you. I mean eating is yummy when you actually taste your food and all, but watching TV while eating and finally seeing the shows I have DVR'd the night before is a highlight of my boring life. And it's how I justify watching TV. Now I got no alibi. If I don't watch TV while I eat....then I am killing actual real "getting stuff done" time when I watch TV. The HORROR!!!

I think the real issue is homework. If I had none then I would have guilt-free TV time. Ok partially guilt-free.

So anyways. Blah. In honor of Alison saying "here here" in a british accent all week....A pox on the fool who interferes with my entertainment.

Testing their Boundaries?


Do you ever wonder what is going through people's minds when they do things?

For instance, when someone who claims to be a mormon...with a large mormon crowd.... does something blatantly "against the rules".

I wish I could get back to non-judgemental "treat everyone like an investigator" land like when I was on my mission. I never batted an eyelash at people's pet sins that were out there and obvious. I was a total hippie peace lover.

Now I'm back in Erica-land and I'm all.....why the HECK would you come to hang with church people to act like this? I am fully aware many people are on their way back to activity and are rough around the edges. Investigators and new members are all working on stuff. To be honest we're all working on stuff and I know I have my uncharming moments.

My question is this...if someone decides to brag about really messed up aspects of their life or use bad language or actually do something messed up in front of members......would that be:

1) A cry for help

2) A really badly timed slip-up

3) Testing the waters to see if anyone else wants to join them on the dark side

4) Testing to see how far mom will let them go before she says STOP! like a little kid

Probably the answer to this question is to just let it go cause it doesn't matter in my life one bit. But then judging righteous judgement for myself.....should I be hanging out in the future with people who blatantly act in inappropriate ways or talk inappropriately? It's hard to know unless I figure out their motivation. All I know is I don't WANT to.....which makes me feel judgemental in a bad way if they are trying their best.

Here's a great idea...a public service announcement...anyone who is acting heinously in public who reads my blog- STOP IT!! Then we can just be friends with no worries. Yay! Glad we cleared that up!

Except I'm pretty sure it's none of you that are weirding me out right now. Darn!

Counting my leprechaun gold

Wednesday, March 19, 2008 |

So I just got a job for when I graduate this week. Finally an income!! No more student loans and credit cards! Bliss!

OK, technically I won't start my job until June 9th. And I probably won't get paid for a while after that, but I sure am excited already!

So once the big bucks are flowing in, I'll be able to pay off my credit cards in a few months and get an apartment again! YAY!!! And this time I think I want to live by myself....1st time ever to be roommate-less but I think I want my own place. I guess we'll see a while from now when I have to contemplate paying rent that's not split up at all.

So all of this is a while away and I have a million big things I need to be doing right now, but what have I been wasting my time doing? Looking at apartment searches online. I have to be honest- my original degree might be somewhat real estate related and I might ....LOVE...looking at floor plans. Seriously. I need to stop the madness and start my darn homework before it's due. (PS- Candice I love your complex's floor plans for some of the one bedrooms!)

It's sad. What else is distracting me from doing my homework right now? Trying to figure out if the little government incentive should be spent on a cruise in May after I graduate. Seriously- it seems like the government might have read my blog about a girl needing a vacation and decided to be my sugar daddy. Or pimp- technically Uncle Sam is giving me back my own money.

I love spending money I don't actually have yet. Wheeeee!

Pitter-Pat Pitter-Pat, It's a Rainy Day!

Tuesday, March 18, 2008 |

I LOVE Rainy Days!!!! OK, maybe not torrential downpours or monsoons, but even those are fun for a while to me. After having been in Argentina with 1 hour of sprinkles in a year and a half I was having dreams every night about thunderstorms and they were heavenly. Maybe only a person who lives in Tornado Alley most her life can miss house-shaking thunderstorms. I crave them sometimes. MMmmmmm.

Ok in honor of today's insane rain-fest AND me being home to enjoy it on Spring Break here is what I like about rainy days!!

1) I like the sound of rain beating on the roof
2) I like wearing a rain coat(incidentally I have also been looking for rainboots that rock for a while now and am as yet unsuccessful)
3) I like the dark shadowy-ness of the day even inside with the lights on.
4) I like eating homemade cookies like when you stay inside making cookies with your mom when you're little on rainy days
5) I like taking naps in the shadowy-ness with rain beating on the roof
6) I like watching rainy movies that are scary(Clue) or depressing(Sense and Sensibility) so that there is thunder in the movie and in my house and you aren't sure where it's coming from. Neato!
7) I like puddle stomping.
8) I like that every girl's hairdo is ruined so we're all on equal status looking like drowned rats.
9) I feel an irresistable urge to touch people's clothes that have raindrops on them that haven't soaked in yet...and I LIKE it.
10) I like that rain means everyone stays home together at night instead of going out separate places. We're gonna have scary movie night tonight and eat pancakes with fruit syrup YUM!!!!!

RAIN ROCKS HARD!!!!! But it could slow down a little so things don't flood. I'm just saying.


Monday, March 17, 2008 |

My latest fave quote:

"Anything in your wardrobe with stains that say 'I had a case of explosive diarrhea in this outfit' needs to be thrown out." Clinton Kelly

The Subtitle Controversy

Sunday, March 16, 2008 |

Ok- here's a spicy/not angry topic.

Subtitles or Voice Overs(dubbing)? I can sense your hearts beating faster and your mouths watering.

First let me state my position in the debate: Pro Subtitles(even before I actually knew any other language than English). I heart subtitles and movies that have them . I have yet to watch a movie where within five minutes I didn't even realize they were there anymore. And I generally come out of the movie knowing a few new words in a foreign language. The whole magic of Life is Beautiful as far as I'm concerned is LOST when you don't hear the musicality of Roberto Begnini saying "Buon giorno principessa!!" It breaks my heart to think that there are people in the world who love that movie with English dubbing and don't know that they are missing with the Italian. Ché tragedia! I honestly wonder if the people that say they hate them have never given the subtitles a few minutes to disappear or if they copped out early. It does take a few minutes. Just wondering.

Or I've heard people argue that subtitles require reading and thinking and a movie shouldn't be about anything but relaxation and escape. Just as an FYI like 99.99% of the movies with subtitles in English are "thinker" types of movies anyways. They aren't renew and relax experiences no matter what language they are in. Death, destruction, oppression, heartbreak, corruption. This is the key subject matter of foreign films. Reading at the same time is not what makes your brain hurt after watching these movies.

Even when we're not talking actual foreign films, subtitles are still a vital part of my life. As the owner of a mother that has bad(inattentive I think) hearing, subtitles allow her to watch previously inaccessible movies. It is a devastating fact of life that the woman does NOT speak Pirate or any form of British or foreign accent. Not one bit. And so our worlds were changed by me realizing that we could turn on the subtitles and now suddenly she understands the Pirates of the Caribbean movies. Now we can watch movies as a family without her saying WHAT DID HE SAY??(Arg) WHAT'S HAPPENING??(They're gonna chase the other pirates) literally every two seconds. I wish she could have her own little subtitles screen at the movie theater. Alas the genius realization I had to turn on the English subtitles does not solve everything. She is still banned from watching mysteries with us. Her lack of attention is not completely fixed by subtitles and she'll still ask WHY?(we don't know yet) WHO'S THAT?(we don't know yet) IS THAT THE BAD GUY(we don't know yet) IS SOMEONE GOING TO DIE? (WOMAN FOR THE LAST TIME - LET THE MYSTERY UNFOLD!!!) But I digress.

My point is I love subtitles and I hate seeing people speak and hearing English come out of their mouths at a different rate of speed. ICK. Unless it's a movie about ninjas or kung fu. Obviously.

So that's my point. Feel free to express your points of view in this hot debate. It's an issue that divides families and tears apart friendships. So let's start the rumble! Wheeeee... carnage!!!

No Offense


I really don't intend every blog to be whiny or angry, but holy smack-I am on fire today!! I promise more nice/funny blogs later.

Why is it that people think that they can say whatever insult they want if they say "No Offense" beforehand. Like those two words can cancel out their own culpability for people's angry and offended reaction?

That is the HEIGHT of passive aggression which everybody knows I luv. LUV. And the best part is when someone says that little catchphrase, you immediately get a clue into their psyche. They are emotionally present enough to realize they are about to commit a terrible social faux-pas. But...being the MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN THE WORLD.....the comment needs to be said or the world will miss a brilliant piece of wisdom that could be life-altering in it's magnitude. SO they add the standard "No offense" to the beginning of their comment to use the special magic of those words to take all the sting out of being told you are ugly, stupid, untalented, or just plain wrong.

Then they get suprised when you are immune to the peace-keeping mojo and are all......OH MY Goodness!! If you are offended that's your problem cause I told you not to be so it's not my fault!!

To use my favorite analogy- which some of the suspected readers of my blog will have heard many times before- If you know 2+2 = 4 and you add 2 and 2 together you can't say:
A) OH my goodness !! It's 4!!! I never expected that!!!
B) I really hoped they would equal's not like I WANTED 4. I mean I know I added 2 and 2......
C) I never really thought about what adding 2 and 2 meant in the long term....I mean what IS addition anyways?

Actually now that I think about it it's not really passive aggression. In the world of words... passive aggressives are the slow poisoners. The daily arsenic in the coffee.

This phenomenon is more like......a sniper with parkinson's. The bullet misses it's mark slightly, the victim is still alive and po'd and the sniper got caught with a gun in their hands.

Ok I am stopping now. GRRRrrrrrr. Cougar claws retracting.

Do I speak Spanish? The jury is still out.

Friday, March 14, 2008 |

Look! It's super-blonde Erica learning her spanish skills- no wait!!! She doesn't speak spanish! And yes the sun did that to my hair.

So I worked at McKinney's community health clinic today and no translators showed up. I haven't yet actually needed a translator in all my other times because my spanish was adequate to find out what was wrong and explain the doctor's instructions.

But today- when there was no translator OF COURSE someone needs something more difficult explained. If anyone would like to know the words for swollen and thyroid they are hinchado and tiroides cause I had to look them up. But this is the great part. I walk in just to get another less complicated lady's vital signs and she is already asking for a translator. I was like WHAT?? I ask you if you know your own height and you ask for a translator? This shouldn't be a problem. Even if my accent were horrible(which it is not) the tape measure is one the wall and I pointed. I think that's the international signal for height if I'm not mistaken. Geez Louise.

SO I get all her vitals and ask what's wrong. No problems on my part but she keeps huffing and puffing because apparently talking to me is torture. So I leave her and the doctor takes me with her to translate later on. So we walk in the room and the lady is all NO WAY NOT YOU!! I need a real translator! (this is a free clinic lady- good luck getting the UN to provide an expert interpreter)So we manage to talk about all of her problems. Only at the point when the doctor wanted to know if her knee was still swollen compared to normal did I have a problem, but I explained around it and said "Your knee was big before so is it smaller now or still bigger than normal?" I think I did a good job frankly. I excel at explaining things when I don't know the exact word having experienced not being able to speak english for 18 months.

So she leaves and the doctor is all.....Erica you are amazing I wish I had you at my office. How can you think you only speak OK spanish- that was great!

So here is the frustration. Every time you feel confident in speaking a second language you meet someone who has issues who claims to not understand a word you are saying or who speaks
their own language muffled or with a speech impediment and you get humbled- harshly.

I mean let's get real. In my own language I have to ask certain people to repeat themselves all the time. Some people just don't enunciate clearly or speak quietly or under their breath. Or speak something that is not quite ebonics, valley, east texan. The point is that we shouldn't beat ourselves up for not understanding everything all the time. I now have enough experience to say that woman was a hose beast and was just being a pain. But she still made me feel bad. It was bizarre to have lovely pleasant conversations with everyone else today telling me I was so helpful to them and then her treating me as if I couldn't get Hola right.

I think everyone has experienced that lovely moment in Spanish 1 (or whatever language) in junior high where you finally know a few words so the teacher makes you listen to language tapes and you're all WOAH !! What language are they speaking??? Or the fun of living in Texas where you want to learn spanish but if you turn on the TV mexicans speak at 90 mph on the news or worse on the radio and are the WORST to try to listen to as a beginner. Which you don't know unless you until you meet people from other spanish speaking countries and you're all....OH.....that IS spanish!! What the Heck happened in Mexico to make them think they needed to talk like professional auctioneers?

Anyways. This is the kind of a day that makes me hesitate to say I speak spanish fluently on employment applications. And the minute the lady walked out of the clinic I had a light go off in my brain and I was all hinchado...the word was hinchado!!! ARG!!!!!!

Ciao mis amigos. Ya me tiene loca este blog.

La To

Politicians and the women who pretend to love them on CNN

Thursday, March 13, 2008 |

I really like meeting new people sometimes. Especially the opinionated and funny kind.

I have been in the ER this week for my rotations and it was a RIOT the morning Eliot Spitzer announced he would resign. And all because of two spunky ladies who were at the ER watching CNN in their room while waiting for the doctor.

For anyone who doesn't know the situation Eliot Spitzer is the Governor of New York and was caught hiring hookers with government funded credit cards (of course) spending over $80,000 and he resigned with his wife Silda at his side-who apparently suggested to him that he didn't need to resign. SOOOOO many things to say on this topic.

Anyways the ladies were watching CNN's breaking news. The first comment made was about how they would NEVER appear at a news conference to support a man who cheated on them. Then one says "WAIT ... I would attend the news I could turn and beat him down in public on TV as cameras rolled." Greatness.

Can you believe these political wives who stand by their men to be publicly humiliated? I think Hilary set the initial bad example for modern women. But oh my goodness what about poor Dina McGreevey who stood by her flamboyantly gay husband who was obviously going to be leaving her anyways if he was coming out. And now Spitzer's poor wife. The wives all look so miserable and wretched. Much more sick about what is happening than their husbands. It's so wrong.

And the Spitzers have 3 teenage daughters. The funny ladies said they should just drop out and get GED's because there's no recovering at your high school from that kind of embarrassment. Too true. I feel so awful for them.

But aside from the actual story, here was what was most horrifying about watching the news that morning - the awful commentary. CNN has GOT to hire more women to comment on political scandal. The men sounded like idiots. Complete idiots. Here's a list of the comments that I remember that I liked the most.

1) Eliot Spitzer is very intellectually smart, but not very street smart. Anyone who holds a public office in New York knows that you don't pay for hookers on a credit card.

2) All men have needs and the governor of New York just like every man.

3) The people of New York will love the new governor. He is a special man who really reaches out and touches people.......with his personality. (at least they realized that one was going bad)

My dad had a lovely politically based comment on the situation. Democrats keep getting caught using high priced hookers least the Republicans look in bathrooms for free sex to save the public money. UG. Dad humor.

CNN does have a point however badly expressed. Anyone should know not to pay for things they shouldn't buy with a company credit card. I enjoyed how CNN's wording seemed to make it like Spitzer missed his HR orientation on how to pay for hookers. Priceless.

We commented in the ER how his wife must have only been out for power and money if she tried to get him to not resign and just go on like nothing had happened. You KNOW he needs to resign and he's cheating on you.....and in such a spectacular manner that she had to know he was getting it somewhere else. She must REALLY like saying "I'm the governor's wife" is all we could think.

YUCK. All of this just adds to the many reasons I hate politics and I hate cheaters.

I feel awful for people who get cheated on. I can't even imagine how hard it would be to try to patch things up. If there's no trust in a relationship what IS there? Forgiveness of that particular sin is a grace I hope I never have to develop because I'm not sure I could. I am guessing I would not be good with getting over"just looking at you every day makes me want to throw up /question my own value as a person" type of emotions. Not cool.

Moving on. I wonder what the divorce rate is for politicians' marriages while in office? And I wonder what the rate of adultery is? It seems to be all adultery and turning a blind eye to me. But of course it's only the squeaky wheel that gets on CNN to apologize.

Say what you need to say

Monday, March 10, 2008 |

Ok to introduce the theme.....and in honor of yesterday
a little John Mayer for everyone's enjoyment. A selection from his song "Say"

Walkin like a one man army
Fightin with the shadows in your head
Living out the same old moment
Knowing you’d be better off instead
If you could only say what you need to say
Have no fear for giving in
Have no fear for giving over
You better know that in the end its better to say too much
Than to never to say what you need to say again
Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open
Say what you need to say

Why is it sooo hard, annoyingly talkative as I am, to say what needs to be said sometimes?
I am somewhat famous among my high school friends as a crusader for justice. I had no fear of calling people out(teachers especially) for treating my fellow students badly back then. 99.99% of people involved in my education thought I was a little angel on earth. And the one or two teachers who tried to exploit their students and belittle them and manipulate them....thought I was a demon from hell I am sure. You can tell what type of people they were by the fact that their greatest complaint against me was "I don't see why you've got a problem if it wasn't you I was punishing".
I have a little bit of female white-knight syndrome I think. I am also a kick-butt logical thinker which is why my friends loved it when I defended them because the teachers were always completely skewered with their own reasoning. I would try to be humble here about it, but my killer cross-exam is a reality of life(not necessarily a gift at times) and partially the reason I decided NOT to go into law. I start getting hypercritical and skewering people all the time when it was Mock Trial season in college. Then I totally mellowed out as time passed and I served a mission and I didn't want to re-awaken the sleeping beast. But I digress.

My point is....I find it very easy to say some things. Sticking up for myself and others is not a problem. Saying NO is also not a huge problem for me. I say yes to too many things cause I want to do them all. I am not easily guilted into a yes.

But let's move to another realm of speaking up. Bringing up things your friends have done to hurt/use/manipulate you. If I don't bring it up right as it happens(which I do try to do)I might as well be a mute. Seriously. Not that I won't bring things up that need to be said. But DANG do I delay it. And re-analyze like fifty million times whether it is best just forgiven and forgotten without confrontation.

Maybe I have blinders about my own culpability, but any time someone has the guts to tell me I do something that they don't like or that irritates them, I am a pretty easy going person about changing. If my roomates don't like where I keep something, I move it. If a friend tells me I have offended them or hurt them, I am all over apologizing and changing it. Sometimes what people tells me hurts or I have a hard time changing but their input never goes ignored.

I have been told this(accepting input and changing easily) is one of my gifts in life so maybe this is why I find this subject so difficult to understand. Somehow the people who do things that annoy/offend me seem to not have this same ability. Pretty much every time I bring up something that I have got to get off my chest, the recipient has gone on in the exact same way, or decided to tell me I am thinking/feeling wrong about the issue. If they do nothing, the situation keeps repeating itself and then I don't want a drag out fight and I start keeping it all in. BAD. Or in situation two they get to meet Erica's lawyer side up close and personal and regret they were born. BAD.

So basically after years of this experience I now really hate bringing up things that are getting to me. Cause nothing will change or a slam-down will ensue. Is either result really good?

I mean the slam down generally gets my point across and I am able to go on with my friends in a productive way after the tears etc are over but GEEZ!! I HATE drama. The slam downs I can count on like one hand for my whole lifetime. The number of times my friends have ignored what I said- sin cuenta baby.

And what about the REALLY scary stuff? Saying I love you without knowing if someone loves you back? Apologizing for something someone doesn't know that you said about them? Apologizing for big stuff in general. Breaking up. YIKES.

I had a BAD tendency to do that stuff by letter/email when I was younger. Now that I'm more mature I try to have the guts to say in person what I need to say. No regrets.

But once again a little bit of procrastination seems to be in order. And over-analysis.

Isn't it funny how leaving things unsaid can feel like a sin you need to repent of?

Words can be a burden and it seems almost that the shorter phrases can be the heavier ones.

John Mayer has totally got it right.

The Lure of Rejection

Sunday, March 9, 2008 |

Ok- so this is a random topic. Especially on a Sunday which was pretty awesome and spiritual. But....for some reason I was thinking about this so here goes.

Rejection. Apathy. Why does it suck us in?
And why do girls always like the "bad boy"?

These are possibly two separate topics, but I think in some way the lure of the bad boy is linked to wanting something elusive.

Now this blog in no way means I've been sitting around all day pining after a loser who doesn't want me back. It was all inspired by that minx John Mayer.

So anyone who knows me knows I love John Mayer. And hate him. And yet I love him. His lyrics SPEAK to me. He has a way of expressing my emotions like he was in my head. If I was to have to pick the perfect man for me based on song lyrics I would totally think that John Mayer and I would "get" each other.

The reality of the situation however is that he calls phone sex lines addictively and dates girls based on their bra size. And he does cruel things like buying Jessica Simpson a thesaurus and giving it to her as a special gift in front of his friends so they could all laugh at her. Not cool.

This should make me hate him and make all his songs meaningless to me maybe, but instead it just makes me think "why you gotta be like that John?" as I listen endlessly to his music.

I was able to give up the Dixie Chicks when they pissed me off. I have cut down on the Dave Matthews slightly and I feel an emotional distance between us now.

But John........that jerk finds his way back into my MP3 list every time.

Why can't I declare it over between me and Mayer? I think it's all related to how I react in real life relationships. I am an onion with many layers like Shrek. I take a while to boil so to speak but it takes quite a while to get the pot to stop simmering. Need I break out more bad metaphors? As chatty and open as I am about many things, my important and real emotions sometimes get hidden behind my playfulness or my innate Scandinavian ability to create distance between myself and others as simply as other people blink. It's a gift/curse. Probably if I'm being Christlike it's all curse.

Women innately make excuses for men. It is sick and wrong. Although I am not a believer in most worldly theories of relationships, I gotta hand it to the author of He's Just Not That Into You. He basically says if a guy really likes you you don't need to make excuses for why he treats you like crap or why your relationship is going nowhere. If he is into you he will do whatever it takes to get you. If he's made a mistake he tells you why and tries to fix it. If he's not into start making things up to make yourself feel better to fill the silence.

It's so true. How many times do we develop excuses in our head for why things aren't working out with a guy. It's because he's busy, I'm fat, drama with the ex, work obligations, shyness, lack of guts, interfering friends, other clingy girls not letting us get "face time".

The sad part is we probably could have a perfectly nice guy wanting some of our time and attention, but we really get lured in by the challenge. OR for some of us it's not even the challenge. There are people out there who crave to be part of something that is broken because they don't know how to be a part of something that is "normal". For some people "love" means constantly having to fix things or have extremes of emotion to prove that the emotion is still there.

So anyways. Here's to trying to develop normal relationships and not be sucked in by that lovely backside walking away or the table scraps of affection men offer who are just not that into you.

And I will probably go on listening to John Mayer because I am just a little bit broken. And because he says things like "I survive on the breath you are finished with."

Drool (pain in general area of heart)


Saturday, March 8, 2008 |

So here is a bizarre little topic, but to anyone who has seen me around dogs it's probably not surprising.

Do I really love dogs more than the average dog owner? I am beginning to think so.

So I conned my parents(but not really since my dad wants a dog bad supposedly-now I'm not so sure) into going to a shelter this morning to look at dogs and after arriving there my mom looks at a few dogs in their cages and is all.....OK I'm ready to leave. No dogs I want here.

Meanwhile I am like nose to nose with a cutie named Tailspin telling her I will pick her out a little brother or sister from the other dogs and get two of them to keep each other company.

I turn around and in a flash my parents were gone. My sister and I had notes as to all the combos of puppies we wanted to get out and see if they got along. What the HECK happened?

OH my goodness- people these puppies were adorable!!! And they had some like a year old so that you already have them potty trained etc too just in case you don't want the baby puppy phase.

My sister and I lost my parents in the hallway and by the time we got to the front they were pulling the car out to leave without us. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE??

So we get in the car and my mom tells me that she does want a dog but none of the dogs there were special. For reals- It's a miracle I'm still speaking to the woman. How can you be a dog lover and go to a shelter with TONS of dogs and not care about any of them? It completely mystifies me. I fall in love with like....tons of dogs all the time. I am just not as picky as her. Not that I'm not specific about the kind of dog I want - I mean there are soooo many abandoned dogs out there I can decide I only want one with 3 legs and a black patch on one eye that meows like a cat instead of barks and probably 2 or 3 shelters will have a dog like that.

I am just annoyed. I am never gonna get a dog. And I feel about dogs sort of like Jesus does about the little children I think. I love them all and I make no distinctions between them. Unless they pee when they get excited or smell bad. And if you wash the smelly ones I love them too.


How can people have hearts of ice? I am so sorry Tailspin. Mom knows not what she does.

Why Millionares Need Matchmakers

Tuesday, March 4, 2008 |

Have you seen the Millionaire Matchmaker?

For those who don't know it's a Bravo show where a lady tries to act like she's not running a bimbo hookup service for pedophiles and alien pods with money in the LA area.

They keep rerunning an episode with the "ethnic" millionaire and the short millionaire. I don't even watch live TV and I must have walked past my sister watching it or flipping past it like 8 times this week. Wanna know why like every single man on her show is single?

They have tons of money but all the females they know already realize how creepy they are or they hang with a crowd where the women are not good looking enough for them to date if you take into account how much money they have.

This is LA people.....Anyone with money obviously DESERVES to have his pick of plastic-enhanced starlets half his age(even if he looks like Mr. Burns ) who will pretend they are monetary and intellectual equals for Bravo's sake. No one calls Patty a Madam when she says a 50 year old with hair plugs and a twitch is "meant to be" with the 20 year old cheerleading team builder.

It absolutely kills me that she talks to the men and tells them she has all of these super-intellectual women that are their equals and perfect matches...and listens to the men's protests that the only reason they haven't married is their whole life has been focused on money and not women...She never asks why they came to her instead of just asking women out???!!! No...... cause then the whole illusion that they are normal would be ruined and she's have to admit these are creeps looking for a Barbie who takes cash.

So then she hosts these parties where they meet a ton of women or they look at them through a freaking police mirror while Patty interrogates the girls

.......then the Kittens all tell the camera ...
"My name is Kimmie and I'm 22 and I just moved to LA from Arizona to be an actress and I think I am compatible with the millionaire because I know how to dress and stuff and all women should be treated like princesses. And I would love to travel to foreign countries like Canadia"

And Patty says.....See Monty.....out of all the girls I think Kimmie would be best for you because you both love trees and her hair is yellow and your teeth are yellow. It's like fate!

My absolute favorite guy so far has to be from tonight's new episode which my sister made me come and see because of how spectacularly wierd this dude was. he looked soo normal at first and he seemed smart but really kind of .......dead inside or something. A definite pod in the pod vs. pedophile debate. At first seemingly normal with the personality of a rock.

Then they go and groom him and suddenly he looks like two fuzzy black caterpillars died on his face in the eyebrow area. How can his brows look so girly and plucked and yet be so HUGE!! The humanity. Let him be a hairy man please!! This just increases the creepy factor.

Then he goes on his date and proposes to the girl on the first date. AND SHE ACCEPTS. And she was much less bimbo-ey than the usual. Getting her Masters in Journalism. I wanted to die on her behalf. It was eeeecking us out to watch. You can seriously see in her face she is like
"WHAAAATTTTT.....Think quick.....Ok I'm 27 and I want to be supported in the style I'm accustomed in Beverly Hills....he is good looking-ish if I can fix the whole eyebrow issue.....And he's psychotically rich........I can't turn him down until he comes out and says he likes little boys. It's just not financially sound. " Ok I say yes as long as we get to know each other better first.

The horror.

Anyways. I was defenseless on the couch and could not escape due to my headachey-ness. I do not endorse this show in any way. It was a train wreck /can't look away kind of captivating.

Meanwhile......I was all....Tuesdays are stupid. I want to watch something FIERCE, Why can't Wednesday be here already so I can watch Project Runway. Oh....I'm going to the temple tomorrow night. YIKES. I'll need to record Christian's greatness. I wish my hair was avant garde. But in a straight girl way.

So ummmm.....the lesson friends is be glad life is good. Things could always be worse are neither a golddigger starlet sleeping your way to the top nor a personality black hole with money.