What NOT to say

Thursday, September 24, 2009 |

I realize I haven't blogged in quite a while. I've been a busy little bee on my few days off. After spending a lot of time on the computer at work the last thing I want to do lately is get on my computer at home. But you know something would have to inspire me after a while...if only to use my blog to vent.

Upon meeting a person for the first time let me just give a general recommendation. Do not ask WHY they don't have kids.

What could you possibly imagine would be a positive outcome from this question? The only possible responses:

1) I don't want to have kids (ie they don't like kids- let's hope not in my profession)

2) I am physically unable to have kids or trying unsuccessfully

3) I'm single

The best part of this whole thing.......It's not anyone's business why ANYONE doesn't have kids unless they are a close friend and it's shared with them willingly. The fact that I keep on repetitively getting asked this question lately is freaking ridiculous.

Now I understand....I am a pediatric nurse. Moms generally do ask if I have kids of my own at home. I say no.....and they MOVE ON. I can't believe more and more people think it's OK to ask why!!!

I mean....imagine if my answer WAS infertility or something tragic. Are you really prepared to deal with my raw emotions 5 minutes after we meet if I say "I CAN'T HAVE BABIES OF MY OWN! WAAAAHHHHHHH!" and start bawling. Or just quietly tear up.

I always say I don't have any kids right now because I'm single but I plan to have a family some day. I think that's a nice answer to a RUDE RUDE question. But au contraire mon freres. Rude people can't stop there.

"What does being single have anything to do with it? "

"Why don't you just get married then?"

"Why do you think you need a "relationship" to have kids if you really wanted them?"

And with the greatness going on at my work lately parents and guests can be as rude as they wanna be and there's nothing I can do about it or somehow it will all come back on me.

I don't even know how to give a non-rude response to that kind of stuff. I mean anything I can say back to them in response to that makes it look like I'm judging them(The unmarried moms and dads and guests are always the ones asking me all this). Which I don't care about but they bring the topic up and then force me into a corner where all I can do is just say it:

"I believe in marriage before kids"
"I can't force getting married."

I had one woman (illegal alien of course) telling me you have kids just cause you want them and the whole man part is optional and I had everything all wrong. I should just have babies and everything in the government is made to help take care of me. I wanted to SLAP her. On so many levels. (Goodbye tax dollars.. nice knowing you! wheeeeee!)

So anyways... What a fun topic.

These conversations lately have been about as fun as the ones where people ask why I'm not married or why aren't you dating that guy? I love love love getting to point out my own undesirability every time. It's like a instant emotional transport to the debbie downer depression level of Eeyore.

You can imagine a great house party and sparkling conversation and then some idiot asks the dreaded question and instantly I've gone from Pink starting the party to a Donkey on Lexapro "Nobody wants me. I'm all alone. That's why. Now someone pin on my tail again and I'll go float down the river."

Ok venting over. Deep cleansing breaths. I'll try to post a house blog soon after I get the keys next week so I can show all my DIY projects.

Words Glorious Words

Sunday, August 2, 2009 |

I was thinking today about words that sound just like what they are.

For instance:










Just to name a few.... and of course I can't remember the one word that made me start thinking of this topic. CURSES!!

Roxy gets a Dog-over


Thanks to Kristen for the idea using Kitty. Roxy is now sporting the "Kate". Now she just needs to have a litter.

Submitted for your reading pleasure......

The Tale of the Desperate Encounter of E-Shizzle, TinyK, Peanut and Pooh

On the blessed occasion of the one score and a half plus one Birthday of E-Shizzle, She and TinyK headed off to Hurricane Holla...I mean Harbor for a day of fun in the sun.

E-Shizzle was garbed in her new black bathing suit with little ruffles around the bosoms. And an extra panel sewn in for the small children in the viewing public. She was also wearing a pair of men's board shorts for her own comfort and security. As her fat was not yet tan or toned it needed to be covered.

TinyK was her usual cute and skinny self in her cute suit. And expensive but useless sunscreen. But I digress.

Both lovely ladies made it to the park and had the most charming time riding the rides and burning the @#$ out of their feet. Nachos, Chicken strips, Strawberry Daquiris. Oh my!

And Oh! the people watching. They were having a great time. Since the criminals who manage the park made certain rides open late, the girls were happy when one of their faves was finally open for business. The girls ran, and ran, and walked fast, and ...gasp.....trudged, then dragged up the stairs to the ride. As they almost made it to the top they heard a voice behind them.

"Do you ladies know if this ride is scary?"

E-Shizzle and TinyK looked at each other. Uh. what?

E-Shizzle answered "It's not as bad as Geronimo. There's an 8yr old in front of us riding it. I think you'll be fine"

A fine young black man approached her. "My name's Peanut and this is my man Pooh. "

E-Shizzle and TinyK tried to contain their hysteria.

"Me and Pooh came up here and rented a hotel for a while and got passes to Six Flags and Hurricane Harbor to have fun going back and forth for a while. So where are you ladies from? Do you have plans tonight?"

Pooh looked on disinterestedly like he'd seen Peanut rejected many times before. Pooh also had some unfortunate man-grooming issues that should have been resolved before removing his shirt, so maybe he was just anticipating rejection for himself.

Tiny K answered and said "We're from Richardson and it's my sister's birthday so we have to go home early for a family dinner party", the lie pouring forth like water from a tube chute.

Peanut replied" Are you sure you can't come party with us at the hotel?"

E- Shizzle said "Sorry but no thanks."

Peanut then counter offered " It's your birthday. I promise I can make it special"


TinyK at this point says "How old are you guys? " hoping of course that she can tell them to try with girls their own age.

Peanut says " Well I'm thirty. How old are you two?"

FOILED AGAIN!! Tiny K says in a depressed little voice "I'm 26 and my sister is turning 31 today" to which Peanut replies " So we are just the right ages!!"

So TinyK pulls out the big guns and quickly says into the awkward silence(in a strangely loud voice)"I have a boyfriend."

E-Shizzle thinks to herself. Wow. That sounds believable.

Peanut says" Oh, well we should still party sometime. How can I get y'all's numbers?"

E-Shizzle and TinyK look at each other like how can this man be any more desperate? And yet Peanut wasn't bad looking. Sad.

TinyK says" Ummm we're all at Hurricane Harbor. It's not like anyone has a phone or a pen with them in their bathing suit. Sorry."

At this point even Pooh is getting annoyed. Pooh makes some "Oh well! and Darn maybe next time" type gestures and mutters and tries to shuffle off.

Peanut is not one to give up though. " Really? How am I gonna get your numbers? This is so annoying."

At this point E-Shizzle is totally enjoying keeping quiet and hearing what crap TinyK will say next.

"There's really no way you CAN get our numbers. OH WELL" Says TinyK in a very final way.

Peanut then awkwardly turns to face the oncoming ride. " So you're sure this ride isn't too scary?" Pooh snorts.

And E-Shizzle and Tiny K hope that by the time they reach the bottom of the slide they will once again be free to roam the park sans desperate Peanut and Pooh. But oh the story they will have to tell their friends.......

Little did Peanut know, but he did make E-Shizzle's birthday special.

The Tale of Shop-E and the Stalk-Squad

Thursday, June 18, 2009 |

Put on your Texas Summer Parkas my friends for the chilling .......

Tale of Shop-E and the Stalk-Squad

Whilst perusing homes earlier in the week Shop-E started snapping pics of the amazing house she was planning to bid on (alas-to no avail) when she realized 3/4 of the pictures reminded her of her evil nemesis' mind .....dark and shady....

OH SNAP!! Shop-E's precious camera- her birthday present after coming home from her mission full of crap-tastic photos, was once again dead. That's right. For the second time. The first time the factory recalled the problem and it got revived for free but this appeared to be Taps for the trusty buddy.

What was a shamelessly shopportunistic girl like Shop-E to do? Check out the open box items online at her local Microcenter and then go to Best Buy to play with the merchandise first.

Our darling Shop-E entered the store and was met by the door greeter/ineffectively skinny security guy. He asked if she needed help. Nope. She walked on to the cameras. To meet up with the official Geek Squad. Nope. And another Geek. Nope. This was getting REDONKULOUS!! Shop-E picked up a few cameras of which only half actually would turn on. How can you pick out a camera if you can't even see it's displays?? At which point (about 30- seconds after entering the camera area and turning down geeks 2 & 3) the manager approaches Shop-E.

"Hello." says the manager(ummmmm...... did I stumble into Buy Mart? thinks Shop-E? It's a big black grumpy manager!! Where's Chuck??)

" Can we help you today? "
"Nope. I know what I'm looking for."
"Well you seem to not want our help."
"You're right. I don't need help. But thanks."
"I'm not sure why you keep turning down help. We are here for you."

At this point Shop-E is ready to give the manager a piece of her mind but decides to shame him instead.

"The only help I really need is for you to make the electrical connection to your cameras actually work. Half of the cameras won't turn on despite being connected with the power light glowing."
The manager turns greenish. "Ummm.......can you show me that?"
Shop-E hands him the camera she is holding which, to his chagrin, is lit up like Christmas on the power connector but won't turn on.
Manager turns to Geek #3." Can you just get one out that has a fresh battery. Heh heh. This camera appears to be...uh... not working well"

Geek #3 opens a new camera and hands it to Shop-E.
Manager then says" Aren't you glad you spoke to us? See we are very helpful!"

Shop-E gives him a look that tells him what she thinks of a store where "help" has to be there to fix broken merchandise.
Shop-E then takes the little camera around to compare it to the others that are actually working. After a few minutes Shop-E decides that none of the cameras are speaking to her. None say " I am zee camera' of jour dreemz E" so she hand the camera back to Geek #3 , says thanks, and heads out.

It is only as Shop-E entered the Half-Price Books next door that she realized her purse was gaping open. She must not have zipped it after getting out of her car. WOW.

And now the question must be answered......was Shop-E being harassed because Best Buy cannot leave people alone for one stinking minute if you are there on a weekday at 2(a valid theory) or did those dorks really think she was gonna shove a camera in her purse??? A camera that was freaking dead bolted to the display table??? There was no portable merchandise in the area she was shopping!! Holy Cow people!!

And her purse is CU-UTE! Not the purse of a stealer one would hope. And so jammed packed she couldn't have fit in a camera with the counter attached one would guess.

And so the episode of Best Buy Harassment with remain a mystery!

And Shop-E might just have to go to Fry's. Where she might get in REAL trouble.


Friday, May 22, 2009 |

Due to the request that I include these gems in my blog..... I now give to you all a hidden treasure and the reason I am not an internet dater.

These come from a while back when I joined e-harmony to support a friend and THIS is who they thought I was compatible with. Among other more normal men.

Their profiles are in black and my comments in hot pink. The spelling mistakes are all their own. I cut and pasted their profiles with some info removed to protect identities. Although if you knew these two I am sure you might recognize them.

Occupation: I work eight hours a day.

The one thing gordon is most passionate about:

Most passionate about my family and a healthy life style. I enjoy talking and dating l.d.s. woman. I enjoy motorsports vehicles, and just relaxing around the home on days off from work. I like be near the lakes, rivers, and ponds in the summer time and during winter, be indoors. I eat a varity of healthy foods like salads and vegetables(I’m glad to know this information!! Do you run with scissors? I need to know that too.) I drink water, no candy, pop or milk.(Yay!! A man who is 5’5 and hates food…..I can be Jack Sprat’s wife….a lifelong dream to be the 0 in a 10 relationship can now be fulfilled)

The three things which gordon is most thankful for:

My personal rights to speak English (I am soooo excited that you are so focused on your political right to speaking English that you even include it in dating profiles…then again it’s probably easy to be racist when you can’t eat any of our nation’s delicious ethnic foods as most include demon cheese), choosing to vote, and read and write as I wish.

Give and recieve love by friends, and family members.

Have a great physical body, and can experince many good feelings. (Please keep this part about your body’s ability to experience good feelings to yourself in the future)

The most influential person in gordon's life has been:

Many teachers have been influential in my life. Honestly, Jesus Christ is the best example of a great life here on earth taught by reading the scriptures. There are many good examples in life, happening all the time, but did you see them or are you blind? When was the last time you helped someone in need? (HOLY CRAP!!! I thought we were a total love match Gordon… I was feeling good feelings in my physical body and then POW you call me out for being selfish……you condemnatory minx!)

gordon's friends describe him as:

Hard Working

Three of gordon's best life-skills are:

Raising and/or caring for children (Isn’t that a little premature to say?)
Maintaining an organized life
Making improvements and repairs around the house

The most important thing gordon is looking for in a person is:

Looking for an active lds woman who will be my best friend; whick will talk to me, give advise when asked(speak only when spoken to?), be a good listener when explaining a situation to her, help do home projects in and out doors on our home(slave labor). Caring for each other is important too. I like the story of the tree, wanting it to be balanced, where the trunk, limbs and leaves are all in good shape, and if possible, finding the seedlings and sap. We must have quailities that are close to each other.(I don’t think I have enough sap for us to be compatible unfortunately )

The first thing you'll probably notice about gordon when you meet him:

That I'm honest w/ other people(cause you can’t hide crazy!! ), happy, see the good in something or a person.

The one thing gordon wishes MORE people would notice about him is:

I have great teeth and smile. I brush them alot, to keep clean and white.(Here’s where the OCD becomes obvious)

gordon typically spends his leisure time:

My leisure time is spent doing activities in or near homes.(Hiding in closets or behind bushes) I see the county fairs in fall, car shows in summer and spring is busy w/ home expo. Leisure time is watching tv for two hrs a day, doing something for a person, and spending alot of time on the computer to chat to the ladies, so I CAN go on a date. It take time to wash and keep items clean and neat in your houses and yard. I shop alot for new parts and pieces whick make a home improve in quality and function.

The things gordon can't live without are:

Electrical appliance. (I am afraid to ask which one)
A home or place to live.
Money to buy food.
Eight hour to sleep.
Clean clothes, mind, and body. (He really took this too literally I think- like it’s a science and not a personality question)

The last book gordon read and enjoyed:

I enjoy reading mag. more than books. I go often to a Barns and Noble store in the mall and flip through them. I spend a few hrs. each month as new editions are released on to the shelfes. I read books that will teach me how to do a skill better, for work or employment needs. I just read book on stuff that would be fun to do as a hobbie or fun. (I have bin waiting my hole life to find man who shares my hobbie of snicking into Barnse & Nooble and look at mags but not have to pay for them. And Gordon seims to be handy so maybe he can help instal my book shelfes. Bee stil my beeteng hart.)

One thing that only gordon's best friends know is:

NO eatting or drinking of milk products, icecream, yogurts, cottage cheese, and milk. I LIKE TO EAT PIZZA, but get it with no cheese. I have alot of small molles all over my body.

Some additional information gordon wanted you to know is:

I'm have three other brothers, one sister, and parents who are still alive.(Is he implying there are ones who AREN’T still alive?) I like to operate gas powered vehicles.(Are wood chippers gas powered? Just asking…) I'm not outdoors when the weather is really hot or cold, an example, above 90 and below 30. The seasons that I like best are spring and fall, based on temperature of outdoors. I like to exercise, and try two times a wk. I enjoy doing water sports; swimming, fishing and boating. I'm a handsome guy, but not a model. My waist is 32 and inseam is 29. I obey the "Law of Chasity and Word of Wisdom" I like the colors red and blue. I have built a small garge and rebuild alot of homes, concrete work, walls,(concrete in walls where he hides bodies maybe?) window and doors, plumbing.



The one thing Daniel is most passionate about:

My religion is central to my life. I will only marry in an LDS temple. I am very involved in local politics, having won an election or two in the County Republican party. I feel I have an obligation to my future children to work now on their behalf. I believe we have a responsibility to learn all we can in this life, and to do the right thing, even when it hurts. I am passionate about music, theater, and literature.

The three things which Daniel is most thankful for:

Obvious : God, Country, and Family

Personal : My Testimony, Kung Fu, and Birds (Lets get 2 Love Birds and name them Little grasshopper and Lamoni if we get married…..we can combine all your faves)

Whimsy : Jelly Bellies, The Desert Star Playhouse, and Tickling Little Kids (molester?)

The most influential person in Daniel's life has been:

There are a great many men I admire. I have been privileged to know some of the finest people God ever created. Soldiers, Teachers, Children, Authors, Thinkers, Tinkerers, Clergy, and Astronauts. My Father is greater than them all.

Daniel's friends describe him as:


Three of Daniel's best life-skills are:

Continuing to expand my knowledge and awareness
Finding creative solutions to everyday problems
Communicating my innermost thoughts and feelings

The most important thing Daniel is looking for in a person is:

I am looking for a phenomenal woman who will not only love me, but can sustain me in fulfilling the full measure of our purpose here on earth. She loves her country, her family, and her God. She is affectionate physically and verbally. She is happy looking out over a forested lake, in a formal gown at the symphony, or putting her hands in finger paint. She is fit, feminine, and confident. She loves to laugh, and will do it all the more when I am with her. She seeks out truth, wherever it leads, and inspires all with her integrity and grace. Most important, she is prepared to be loved, protected, and cherished for eternity. ( I think she is prepared…….to be translated….GEEZ!!)

The first thing you'll probably notice about Daniel when you meet him:

My Confidence. Often mistaken as arrogance, regrettably,(Arrogant?? Quel surprise!) but I know exactly who I am. I am a son of God. I am the man I want to be, and the kind of man I hope my future daughters find.(I think my hands are literally reaching out to strangle him through cyberspace) I always trust my instincts. They are based in my own experience and in gospel principals.

The one thing Daniel wishes MORE people would notice about him is:

My Candor. I speak no guile. I will only lie if I think it's funny(what a relief!). Makes dating very difficult, but I know my patience will pay off in time. The right woman will love me for it.

Daniel typically spends his leisure time:

I love stories. On page, stage, or film. I devour books. I am writing a book (me, and half of America). I almost always have music playing. Might be John Denver, Beasie Boys, Mozart's Requiem, or Harry Connick Jr. I like to sing, and know alot of Irish drinking songs. And Scottish. And Australian.

The things Daniel can't live without are:

Life - In all it's varied splendor.
Liberty - God bless America
Pursuit of Happiness - 2 Nephi 2:25
Sunlight- I'm just a happy dork in the Perriwinkle (Is a comment necessary?)
Water - I love being wet. Squirt guns or pools.

The last book Daniel read and enjoyed:

Last book was "Lone Survivor - The Eyewitness Account of Operation Redwing and the Lost Heroes of SEAL Team 10". I can not read the title without choking up. God bless those brave, brave souls. I find the books I read most often are the books I loved as a child. I've read and re-read "The Black Cauldron" series, Enders Game, Cyrano, 3 Musketeers, Frankenstien and Dune at least a dozen times each. Maybe more. I also read the "Book of Mormon" (at least one verse) every single day.

One thing that only Daniel's best friends know is:

I have no secrets. Though very active as a young man, I left the Church for a few years in my late teens-early twentys. I am grateful for the pain and hunger that led me back home. It has forged my testimony in adamant. I have not faltered since my return 7 years ago. His goodness, like a fetter, has bound my wandring heart to him. I consider myself a convert.( English experts…….I have never seen adamant used that way? Is that a correct usage- it sounds weird…..but then again he IS weird)

Some additional information Daniel wanted you to know is:

I am a lover and a fighter. A warrior poet, if you will. Gruff, at times, yet beloved by children. I tinker. I laugh. I tickle. Doing field repair means I work with my hands, and with my mind. I am a disk jockey who loves the quiet. A country boy who loves rock and roll. A son of God who can do without Provo. My mind is efficient, strategically bent, analytical, and precise, yet I always follow my instincts. I know that God wants an exceptional life from every last one of us. And I intend to deliver. (He’s a warrior poet and tickler?? HOLY CRAP?!! Like a mix of William Wallace and red fuzzy muppet. Make me yours Tickle- Me Maximus!!)

The End.

The Tale of Little E and the Suicidal Aged

Sunday, April 26, 2009 |

Little E had been feeling old. Not ancient, but very mature compared to the 18 yr olds around her and the boys, yes boys, in their late twenties trying to date them. Constantly bugged at work about how and when she was ever going to meet anyone she heard of a magical gathering of mature single mo's and knew it was the perfect answer. She looked at her Calendar of Despair and had the weekend free. Little E was overjoyed. New friends! New scene! So much to look forward too.

Little E fretted all week about what she would wear for comfort as it seemed she might be sitting all day and then dancing. Little E fretted that she wouldn't fit in. Luckily Little E's friends Reluctant Ri and JJ were going to go with her and it made all her worries disappear.

The day dawned and Little E got 4 amazing hours of sleep the night before and dragged herself out of bed. She barely had time to get dressed and didn't even really dry her hair. She packed some water and a raincoat for the cloudy day and she was off. Reluctant Ri texted she would be late. Little E wished she had slept in too. Meeting up with JJ, Little E had a fabulous drive to exotic distant Arlington. The two friends entered the building and their natural exuberance was immediately hushed by the startling scene before them. Elderly people shuffled in and out of the chapel. A medic room was set up next to the door for casualties. The scent of roses and moth balls pervaded the arctic air. Everyone that turned to see Little E and JJ was extremely overly excited. They were given name tags and schedules and note pads and everyone was very kind. They entered the chapel to see an endless sea of seniors and the handicapped. Little E wondered if they had made a wrong turn or gotten false information, but no. This was the place. Just not the place for Little E and JJ. And Reluctant Ri who shortly arrived.

At lunch time they were given mini sized sandwiches and big cookies and a pile of chips. Little E wondered if the tiny sandwich was trying to suggest something. But they were told to grab extras if they were still hungry and HECK YES they were. They then brought out fruit after Little E had already gotten ill from eating 2 cookies to get full. So sad. This is how you make people fat thought Little E. Serve fruit for dessert.

Then Little E, JJ and Reluctant Ri headed back to the chapel for the endless setlist. Errmmm.. I mean the Conference workshops. 4 straight hours in the coldest chapel known to man. Little E felt both her leg hair AND arm hair growing. And icicles forming in her still damp hair. And poor Reluctant Ri was dressed for a sunny summer's day. And unprepared with extra coat. Luckily JJ went to her car and got out her trusty plaid camping blanket just for such occasions. And the event hosts began passing out fleece lap blankets to all of the wheelchairs in the front of the chapel. Little E wondered why only the handicapped were supposed to be freezing their A##es off. Hrm?

Hours passed. Wonderful talks were given, but all Little E could think about was how much longer she was expected to sit there in that chapel. Should she try to build an igloo like an Eskimo? Maybe the cold was to encourage cuddling but there was no one cuddle-able for her. The three friends minds wandered. Finally they took a break outside to warm up. They did not want to go back in due to the cold and general booty numbness, but they pressed on. As the hours passed Little E began to get the impression that the speakers considered the audience to be filled with deeply depressed old fogies who needed to be prevented from committing suicide. As the hymns about sunshine and the talks about life taking "different" paths kept on and on Little E began to feel an uncomfortabl-ness and coldness that had nothing to do with the temperature. A short light was seen in the abyss of deep depression when the Texas Boys Choir sang for the seated popsicle-people. But then they went back for another few hours about trying to stay cheerful when your life is meaningless and empty. Little E thought she had heard the worst, but was unprepared for the upcoming special musical number. As the woman started to sing " I know you are on the edge, unable to hang on any more, in deep despair.....etc" Little E felt a burning urge inside her. She felt her limbs moving almost on their own to stand. She forced her legs to be still. But her mouth was starting to move too. She could feel a mighty shout building up inside her. She wanted to scream " SHUT UUUUUUPPPPP!!!!!" from the depths of her frozen soul. But she did not.

Finally the un-magical gathering came to an end. Oh awaited hour! Little E was so relieved. Reluctant Ri made a faster exit than Taco Bell in a model with IBS. JJ and Little E looked at each other wondering could they stand to stay even a moment longer or might they venture to meet and mingle at the dance? Heck yes they did!! As the dance started Little E went to the restroom and met a nice lady in her 40's. Maybe the closest person to Little E in age. Little E watched as she straightened her "I Love JESUS!" sparkle pin on her turtleneck sweater. Little E knew she was in for a fun filled night.

The dance took place in a cruise decorated gym. The walls were fake cruise ship rails with life preservers. Lemonade and water fountains adorned the snack table along with mints and bags of frosted animal cookies. As the DJ broke into the "Danger Zone" so did the white haired dancers who shook what they had in a non-age appropriate, yet restrained way. Little E's eyes widened. Holy Schnikies! An older man who had dressed for their unannounced theme in a tropical shirt and hat picked unsuspecting women out and asked every single one of them to dance- for only a few moments before picking out another and abandoning his current victim. Please let him skip me prayed Little E in her head. She developed a sudden urge to lock herself in JJ's car in the parking lot. At that moment a different seemingly nice older man asked JJ to dance and said he'd be back for Little E. OK, thought Little E, I am about to officially enter the waters of the Oldies Cruise Dance. As the man came back for her the gentle strains of Usher's "Yeah Yeah" began to play. The man was unfazed. They began to shake it. Little E realized she was completely a dork dancing to Usher if she was unable to truly shake her booty. She felt like she was all arms and frozen old lady hips. Her booty wanted to take on a life of its own. Little E said "No booty. You shall not get your fix of Usher tonight. " As Usher asked for a lady in the street and a freak in the bed Little E looked to see shocked faces but then realized the sweet people around her probably couldn't hear the lyrics anyways. How awkward to dance with a man in his 60's to Usher. Little E returned to her seat and continued to dance on occasion with men nowhere near her age. At one point Little E introduced herself to some people her own age, but they seemed uninterested in dancing. How sad. Truly Little E had entered a depressing world.

She and JJ finally decided to escape the wraith like claws of the retirement cruise of death and headed back to their happy and comfortably room-temperature homes. They bid adieu to their new found friends and what the? The light went on and the dance was over. They had stayed til the end?? This was unacceptable. They had meant to cut out early. What a weird dance. No last slow songs or anything?? Really? None?

Ok forget the graceful exit. JJ and Little E hightailed it out of there to miss all of the Lincoln Continentals backing out at 0.5 miles an hour. See ya lata!! They sped out of the parking lot with a squeal of the wheels and not a backward glance, glad to leave behind the most depressing experience of their short short short(did I mention they were young? ) lives.

Roxy Update

Saturday, April 25, 2009 |

How cute is she now????? I believe her ears are getting reception from Timbuktu.

To start off with....no you all did not miss it.......It's July 7th.

Yeah that's right ........the coolest day ever. 7-7 baby. We won't talk about the year but it also includes 7.

So.....I got the grand idea of wiki-ing my b-day to see what historical significance it has and you all can judge for yourselves how much my b-day is truly "me". And yes I might have saved this blog for my b-day but I might forget it the way my memory is working right now( Yay lack of sleep!) so I'll post it now anyways.

My fave events of 7-7:

1456 – A retrial verdict acquits Joan of Arc of heresy 25 years after her death. (Awesome- God CAN speak to women ye turds of France!)
1846Mexican-American War: American troops occupy Monterey and Yerba Buena, thus beginning the United States conquest of California.( We're going back to Cali- to Cali, to Cali)
1898President William McKinley signs the Newlands Resolution annexing Hawaii as a territory of the United States.( Heck Yes!! Aloha!! Sign me up!)
1928Sliced bread is sold for the first time by the Chillicothe Baking Company of Chillicothe, Missouri. It is described as “the greatest forward step in the baking industry since bread was wrapped". ( Just proving once again the theory that I may be the greatest thing since sliced bread)
1947 – Alleged and disputed Roswell UFO incident.( The truth is out there)
1953 – Che Guevara sets out on a trip through Bolivia, Peru, Ecuador, Panama, Costa Rica, Nicaragua, Honduras, and El Salvador.( Shout out Mendoza!! Aguantele Argentina!!)

There was bad news too but I'll ignore that.

And now..... the birthdays in common with me!!!!

1860Gustav Mahler, Austrian composer (d. 1911) (YAY- Music and Austria!!)
1887Marc Chagall, Russian painter (d. 1985) (Yay Pretty Paintings!! sigh.)
1899George Cukor, American director (d. 1983) ( Yay director of part of Gone with the Wind and My Fair Lady!)
1943 – Joel Siegel, American film critic (d. 2007) (Yay being judgemental about movies!)
1949Shelley Duvall, American actress( Yay Faerie Tale Theater! Who owns all the DVD's ME that's who! thanks to Gabby for clearing up which Shelley was rocking my b-day)
1959Billy Campbell, American actor (Yay for Hot Men!)
1966Jim Gaffigan, American comedian (Don't be jealous cause we can have cake and hot pockets!)
1980 – Michelle Kwan, American figure skater (Yay figure skaters who are asian!! Shout out Kristi and Michelle - you're still my girlz!)

And now deaths......which I think are pretty significant

1890Henri Nestlé, Founder of Nestlé S.A. (b. 1814) (And he left me a legacy of chocolate.....bless him)
1930Arthur Conan Doyle, Scottish writer (b. 1859) (And so the game was afoot!)
1973 – Veronica Lake, American actress (b. 1919) (The previous icon of sexy blonde hair and sweaters. The torch must be passed)

And now you have my ode to my own birthday. 7-7 you are indeed the coolest and I salute you. And myself. We rock.

More on my Millionaire Matchmaker obsession

Thursday, April 2, 2009 |

So...... you all know how I love to watch Millionaire Matchmaker? That show is CRACK I tell you!  Who the crap cares about watching people live together in a house, or work for Trump, or go to rehab, or try to date a perv rock star? People want to see total creeps try to date pretty girls who are willing to date them for their money........ and then see the creeps get ripped apart by Patty Stanger about their dating skillz or lack thereof. This is quality reality TV. 

This is Shauna the lady millionaire. 20 yr old male models are lining up!

The latest season has me in it's grip. There are women millionaires....my favorite one was Shauna, botox and restylaned into a shell of a tight face. And wanted to find herself an Ashton Kutcher. They then paraded all of these young hot studs(seriously-drool) in front of her and they all claim they like her and are into older women blah blah blah. Are you kidding me? YEAH- you're into an older woman who is as hot as Demi Moore. Are you into a woman whose face has been tightened and frozen and who already has skinny frail old lady body? Seriously? No -that's right....you're into her money. Geez. I feel bad for women who can't read it when a man is lying. I mean Ashton didn't go looking for a hot mom to date. He just happened to meet Demi. Do you really think there are a ton of really really fine young men out there who WANT to be with a woman in her forties? I mean I know about the "cougar" thing but the women prey on them in that case. Or they are sick kiddos looking for a replacement mom. This is not a healthy form of relationship. And I feel the same about the reverse ....if men who are 50 think a 20 yr old hottie with her head on straight picks you as her first choice.....you are mistaken. Ask just about anyone......"would you prefer to marry a rich man who is within 10 yrs of your age or a rich man with a 20 yr age difference?" They will pick close to their age. Now ask "would you date a poor man within 10 yrs of your age or a rich man 20 yrs older?" and the answers get all mixed up depending on the person. And the difference was MONEY.

I mean- why are all of these people OK with being paraded like meat in front of millionaires? Money! And they're just hoping to find a millionaire who doesn't look like a troll. Or maybe only a little like a troll. It is VERY rare to see a couple together on that show that I think would last if the millionaire lost all their money. 

The worst is that they pretend they aren't letting the millionaires "buy" a relationship. This is NOT like a dating in the real world. Or even like a normal matchmaking service. I mean- if they had real dating skills they would just date, and if they had a hard time meeting women they would join a normal dating service. They join Patty's service because they know that they will get to pick from a room full of perfect 10's who will all fake interest in them for the rest of their lives the way women in a dating service would not...because Patty's girls know they are millionaires. In a real dating service...these men could never find anyone without saying "I am rich".  And they would still get rejected by tons of women who could care less about your money if you are a robo-nerd or a creep. Patty weeds out the possibility that the women will reject you right off the bat. You have to work to prove to them the money isn't worth tolerating you. 

Occasionally there are pretty successful women in the 10's and I think they really are just trying to find men who are motivated and successful like they are, but they NEVER get picked although Patty sets them up sometimes for mini dates.  The creeps and the nerds always go for the airhead 20 yr old. I bet the normal millionaires who want to date a normal good woman are probably not on TV. I admit it would be more like watching a wedding story or a baby story on TLC if they showed normal men dating. Gag. Who wants to see normal people date? Not me. 
I am perfectly content to watch looneys buy themselves a date. Bring it on. 

Why the Internetz Rock!


So last night at work, I was sitting there chilling with my homegirlz and discussing an upcoming singles conference that one wants to attend with me. Fun! So one of the girl comes up with the idea that we should all try sped dating together. She asked us all if we had done it before and we all said no, so she said we needed to try it out together to see if it would work. 

So she tries to look up a speed dating service in Dallas to contact them later and get some info. And what does her search return to us? A list of local cheap motels. Literally. I can't remember what search engine she was using, but it came back with motel locations. We literally died laughing. 

I asked her if she had accidentally looked up "quickie" instead of "speed" but nope- I looked over her shoulder and it was speed dating in Dallas

I am personally scared by the idea of speed dating as it sort of forces you to quick judgements based on awkward first date conversation. I mean what are they gonna think of me?

Wow- she's a little chunky and she managed to fit a H of a lot of words in 60 seconds, some of which I think she intentionally mispronounced to sound more "ghetto". SCARY!

Those are things that someone will inevitable know about me, but do I want them to be the sole basis of a future date's decision? No. 


Wednesday, March 4, 2009 |

More pics of the pup called Roxy!

Shaved belly courtesy of gettin fixed.


See all my pretty colors?? I'm a fluffy brindle!

It's a girl! My new puppy- freshly washed and home from the SPCA!!!! 

SO I got robbed of a puppy this weekend. Not once but TWICE.

I found out that I can't have new puppies at my apartments complex so I need to get a dog like...yesterday to make sure it's old enough when I move in. I am not one to be forced into dog-motherhood by outside forces, but I found the cutest dog ever online this Friday night. Her name was Molly(more on that) and she was a pug-chihuahua-terrier mix which translated to looking like none of those breeds, but a sweet teeny white and tan English bulldog with a smooshy nose. SO STINKING CUTE!!!!

So I go visit her at Petsmart Saturday morning and long story short I made it to the top of the list and she was mine. Only prob- all prospective parents need a home visit from the rescue agency. They were supposed to stop by and look and leave the dog with me right after the Petsmart event closed. So I waited at home. Dee deee. Check watch.....an hour passes. It sure must take alot of time to pack up puppies in crates.....crickets chirp... paint dries... So finally my mom produces the rescue president's card out of her purse which we have been looking for for an hour. I call her. Where is Molly? She says.....uh.......you don't have your dog yet??? Let me call the lady who was gonna drop her off.

So ten minutes later......OOOPS!!! The lady drove your dog over to the house of another applicant further down the list cause she got the applicants order mixed up. Sorry!!! Want an adult chihuahua consolation prize?? No? Ok bye!

So I miss my evening plans waiting around and don't get my precious dog. Woe is me. What a disorganized pain!!! My heart is ripped out. Blah Blah.

Then like an hour later she calls again. Ummmm....you wanted the pug Molly right? Not the shepherd Molly? I say yes....the pug was supposed to be mine. So she says........OH MY GOODNESS!!!! I made a huge mistake. We didn't give your dog away!!!! I can be at your house ASAP if you want!! I say no- you can just come tomorrow. That's fine. So we arrange to meet at noon.

I go buy my dog a collar and leash, food, a bed. And spend all night thinking of puppy names and typing up a list.

So this morning at 11:30 she leaves me a voicemail that OOOOPS!!! She did give my dog away. And OOOPSSS!!! A tragic accident this morning killed the brother of my dog so there's no other options. And she can't talk now- she's too scarred by the accident.

Seriously? SERIOUSLY!!!??? I mean she got me mad the first time she screwed up. Really mad. But to call me and reconfirm I was actually gonna get my dog and still be mistaken???I mean- how did she confirm that she still had my dog? I am not sure how you can be wrong about still having a pug among 10 chihuahuas. Especially after spending an hour double checking. And to share the unnecessary but painful info that the other puppy died???

My heart got ripped apart 2 times for NO REASON!!!!! GRRRRRR!!!!!

So basically had she been competent in any way I would have gotten my dog at 5 yesterday and the other pup would have gone to a runner-up applicant. But no. She screwed up so badly that not only did the wrong people get my dog, but one died at her house???

Also- apparently they thought they were being cute and cashing in on "Marley and me" and had a litter of pugs(mine) and a litter of shepherds that they all gave the same names all starting with "m" so they were all mollyies and marlies and maggies etc. And they had leftover M chihuahuas from other litters. Ummmm....I think anyone could have said that was a stupid idea. They couldn't even keep track in conversation at Petsmart of who they were talking about.

If I am in a pissy mood for like the next ......year....you all will know why. She has messed up all my "happy places" cause my calming thoughts usually involve cuddling with dogs, and the prospect of my new apartment. Both of which are now tainted.

And no, I don't want to go to the local shelter and get a pit bull mix to fill the void. And yes I have tried to find another cute small dog on Petfinder today and they are all ugly and awful and have behavior probs cause they are the Sunday night leftovers.

And to all you a-holes on craigslist......NO, nobody wants your 3 yr old lab/pit mix now that she's badly trained and you are sick of her and also NO, nobody is gonna take her off your hands AND pay a "rehoming" fee of 500 dollars!!!! What the?? A rehoming fee?? Sorry Billy Ray, your idea of how to get more drinkin' money crapped out.

AAAHHHHHHHH!! The humanity!!!!!!!!

Further Evidence that Mean People Suck

Tuesday, February 3, 2009 |

So today I was minding my own business, driving along trying to go to the mall to avoid traffic. Yes- that is my justification. I could spend an hour shopping or and hour mad at people parked on 75. I chose the mall. So anyways....

I am driving into the parking lot and an elderly lady visibly limping/hunched over starts to cross the road in front of me. I stop to wait for her to cross the road and a dude in a silver mustang(that car is a WHOLE other blog topic) pulls up behind me. The car waits a split second and then lays on the horn. What the???!?!! I turn to look behind me in disbelief. SERIOUSLY??!!! I can't wait for the lady to cross the road?? Are you kidding me? The old lady stopped and glared in his general direction. 

Later I went home tonight and watched a TV show "What Would You Do?" for a special Dateline segment where they had a hidden camera to see if people would intervene in different bad situations.  What was awful to me was realizing the actors they hired to play the complete jerks were so accurate to real life. One of the situations was a baby left in a car in hot weather. I remember my dad laying into a woman at a Hobby Lobby parking lot when I was in high school. She was getting out and left her newborn in the car seat and like an 18 month old climbing around the seats and just walked off toward the store. He was all....um...excuse me but are you intending to leave your kids in the car? Of course she was and she then tried to lay into him for interfering a la Dateline. Never one to mince words when defending truth and right, I believe my dad used words like CPS and police, child abuse, jailtime, citizen's arrest, and foster care, and she got back in her car and drove off. 

I also was introduced by my dear sister to the joy of Jeana's son Shane on Real Housewives of Orange County. For any other non-watchers this charmer is a 21 yr old minor league ball player which puts him above the other kids in the series because he at least is pursuing a career-ish. His mom and little brother and another housewife friend flew to Chicago to see him play. So he wasn't in the original lineup so he texts his mother something to the effect of "Don't you %^&^come here or I'll kill you" . Her friend is HORRIFIED he talks to her that way and they go to the game anyways. It is a meet and greet for all the fans so they go to see him before the game. He screams obscenities at her in front of the small kid fans and storms off the field. Then after the game- he actually plays after a lineup change and is MVP. So at a celebratory dinner he tells people not to talk to his mother because she is loud and annoying and they need to teach her a lesson. Then he tells her that she is lucky he didn't hit her in the face with a bat for disobeying him and coming to the game. Then he tells her he wishes she were on life support so he could pull the plug already and get his inheritance and stop working. And he says all of these things with obscenities laced throughout in front of even more friends of hers and their small children and his girlfriend(what is she thinking??). I was so sickened by him. And what's worse  is his little brother is talking to mom that way too. 

My sister has a natural selection idea for cars where you install a paintball gun on cars so you can hit them when they drive like freaks and then you will be able to see the accident causers coming from their paint job. She also thinks you should earn your car with driving skills so that bad drivers get a used pinto etc. I LOVE this idea but I wish it worked for people too. I wish all of the jerks I saw today had gotten paintballed to mark them forever as the selfish evil people they are. 

It was a depressing day for humanity for me. I don't know how some people grow up to treat everyone so badly.  Can't people just live by the golden rule? How can you miss the "let old ladies cross the street" lesson? No one doesn't know that? And who A) cusses out their own mother and B) does it in front of her friends and little kids. Who doesn't know you don't drop f-bombs in front of kids?  I want to hit that Shane dude so bad right now. I guess violence would maybe make me one of them too though. 

I am just not one to sit down and let injustice pass me by. I am totally a girl with white knight syndrome. I am a defender of innocents. In elementary school I made a well-thought-out decision to punch out my little buddy across the street for trying to play dangerous stunts on my sister and his little sister. And I am NOT violent at all. I just knew it was his only form of communication so I was willing to get beat myself to show him he didn't scare everyone and I would fight back for the little kids. In high school I was a goody two shoes who only got in trouble really once for defending fellow students getting screwed over by an unfair teacher. My teacher I think was afraid to follow through and send me to the principal cause my case was so solid she WOULD have gotten busted. In college I threw out a roomie's boyfriend for treating her badly. 

Grrrrrrrr! Stuff like this just chaps my hide. I need to go watch some L&O and see some perps prosecuted. See some vicarious fictional justice. Dun Dun. 

The Sausage Party that is Guitar Center

Wednesday, January 7, 2009 |

Peeps- prepare yo selves. I am about to vent. I am enraged. I am surprised I am still speaking to my father since he is a man. 

So......after a bajillion years of wanting to get a guitar and saying it was in my plans....I am finally going to do it. I am not going to get some super nice guitar as was my plan many years ago. All my money(and more happy Visa money) got spent on school. Surprise!!! But I did get a Christmas check allocated toward getting me a crappy guitar to at least have something to learn on. YAY!

But secretly inside I knew what it really was preventing me from getting a guitar. In the world of crappy cheapo guitars I really want to see and hear the one I buy. Ebay and Craigslist are then OUT. So my only real option is ........gag......Guitar Center. They have the most selection. The inevitability of having to spend even one moment of time in Guitar Center trying to actually get helped by their oh-so-full-of-themselves employees was what was really keeping me from making my purchase. 

Let us make some sweeping and stereotypical assumptions about these Guitar Center employees so you know what I am talking about in case you haven't experienced the wonder for yourselves. 

1) He is a male. 99.95% of their employees are males. 
2) He is in a band that has not made it quite yet. 
3) He has no educational pursuits. College is for tools. 
4) He dresses for work as if making himself look like a rock star or tragically unappreciated grungy acoustic player was the only thing to prove he knows what he is talking about. But he will bore you to DEATH by showing off his talent in case you missed the outfit.  
5) He will jam out by himself on the merchandise and ignore you completely unless his manager is watching or you touch something expensive. Then he will annoy you to DEATH. 
6) There will be 50 employees in the store standing around watching you from across the room but the one you need to talk to in your instrument section is ALWAYS already jamming with someone. ALWAYS. And those other 50 employees are totally and completely incapable of stepping out from their areas to assist you. Even on a Wednesday at 11am when there are no freaking customers but you and the one other guy jamming with Mr. Helpful.
Here is another thing you need to know. That you don't know anything. Inevitably you will need a piece of equipment or an accessory that is hidden better than the holy grail ever was. You cannot really function in the store without the help of one of these jerks unless you are making a really basic purchase.  

And now we will enter into my actual experience today at GC

So I head into the acoustic section. Score 1 point for me that I don't have to get a map or ask the Nikki Sixx wannabe (who I couldn't get away from and couldn't stop looking at- he was freaking me out with his awesome hair)or one of his 6 fellow employees who are behind the Electric counter. OF COURSE once I get to acoustics there is one employee whom we shall call Toolio and he is sitting on some boxes jamming with some old dude in a band. He doesn't even acknowledge I have entered his sacred lair. So like 5 minutes pass and finally I walk up and say I need some help. When you have time of course.  The jammer says - go help her I'm just messing around here. Ha. As if I needed him to tell me that. No one sits around jamming forever if they're actually going to buy today. So Toolio is all ......OK what are you looking for?

I tell him I play viola, I want to learn guitar, from the little I know about guitars I know that I want a 6-string acoustic smallish and a darker color. Also I tell him I prefer a used instrument. I do not believe in buying new instruments. It comes from being a viola player. I want a well loved, used guitar. That is how I roll. 

So he proceeds to tell me that they just got in a shipment of guitars that are perfect for beginners. Toolio doesn't look me in the eye. This worries me. I think to myself"Please don't take me over to the stack of little girl's hot pink daisy guitars!!" 

Toolio then proceeds to a stack of boxes of shiny new guitars and rips open a new light yellow monstrosity. We shall call it Big Banana. I turn and look at him with my "You've got to be kidding me look". He ignores said look. He then starts jamming out on Big Banana. And keeps on jamming. Obviously he is looking for compliments. He is not going to get them. I start talking over his playing. SOOOOO Toolio, do you have anything else more like what I asked for? Toolio stops. How do you like the sound of this guitar? Ummmm....It's nice.... I say. This is a great value. They won't last long he says.  I give him a "What are you smoking? look." I think to myself "Seriously? You want me to believe Yamaha won't keep making new guitars? Riiiiight

So he hands me Big Banana. I awkwardly strum the monster guitar that I can barely hold in my arms. (Hmmmmm......sudden thought! Maybe it's their lack of breasts that keep these men from understanding why I don't want, and feel awkward holding the huge guitars!) So anyways I give it the old college try and tell him- well I really can't play AT ALL which is what I told you but I fully agree the sound is great. BUT do you have anything used and smaller and darker? 

So Toolio tells me they don't have anything used(liar) and then goes off about how I need to get a new guitar and make it my own and scratch it up myself and that's how everyone starts out. I give him the "Whatever you're selling I ain't buying" look. So he walks me over to an Ibanez that is a different style and smaller size. He jams out for a minute and says can you tell the sound quality is not as good? I say Yes I Can. But I like the size better. 

He then shows me to the wall of acoustic electrics and suggests them for a better size, but I need to spend more money. I say I understand they cost more. Toolio then turns to ask jammer man if he needs anything(obviously Toolio is bored with me) and jammer says yeah man....I'm gonna check out I guess. So Toolio asks what he wants to buy and he buys PICKS. PICKS I tell you. I was getting ignored and delayed and having to wait during the endless jam for a PICK purchase?? They soooo didn't roll like this at Brook Mays I thought to myself. No hours of jamming on their instruments with no intent to buy. And the employees were .....helpful. Imagine that. You'd never have to interrupt any employee at Brook Mays during a jam session or a rocking solo to force them to help you. But I digress. I continue to wander the acoustic room at GC. Still carting around Big Banana waiting for Toolio to come back and take it and box it again. Big Banana needs to go back to his home. I see a female employee walk in and I am so excited that Toolio wised up and sent in a girl that I can barely contain myself. But she goes over to the counter and makes some calls that reveal she is in the financing department. Of course. I should have guessed. Finally I set BB on his box and walk to the front and see that the jammer is long gone and Toolio is just chillin with his fellow tools in the toolbox. And I then storm out. Seriously. If I had received even one iota of helpful assistance he would have most likely sold me a guitar. And now once again I am swearing off Guitar Center. What a Hellhole. What a Toolbox. What a MotherFlippin Sausage Party.  

I am so getting a guitar off ebay now.  Grrrrrrrrrrrr.